All in the mind

It’s 3am, I’m up and the tabs in my head are open, soooooo…. if I have to process these thoughts, you’re coming with me… ta dahhhhhh (tur duhhhhh, IYKYK)!

When people say ‘it’s in your head” or “the mind is a powerful thing” they are usually trying to gaslight you, or diminish the validity of your thoughts. However, do they really ever stop to think? If my mind can convince me that I am sick, and my body believes, what happens when my mind convinces me that I’m exceptionally amazing and capable of accomplishing things beyond my comprehension? It’s the same mind isn’t it? Like why would my mind only work against my greater good? After all ah fumme mind! I am its master!

*cue loud off-key rasta man singing Chronix* When I look at where I’m coming from, I know I’m blessed… Guess who worked their sanity to the brink to get me here? Hint, it’s my mind! Guess what kept me going, and is still keeping me going? Hint: it’s in my head! So yea, the mind is a powerful thing *cue Popcaan” look pon me good, look paaaaaaaan me, failure nuh inna my ting nuh*

This is a reminder to y’all that my mind is not always a dark humor space *akikiki*

P.S: Why you think people try to play mind games? They know that’s the key to destabilising you (trust me on this I’ve worked with some of the devil’s disciples, dem reach farrrrrrr and dem dunce, so just know ah na sense dem hab) That’s why yuh nuffu mek numbady get into your head! Laugh and galang, your sanity is yours to protect!!!!

Fear, fair and favour

I’ve been forced to have serious talks with myself about staying in spaces that no longer serve me. I’ve had enough conversations with elderly and sick persons whose retrospections are filled with regret and the feeling that they did not treat themselves fairly because of fear. Fear of missing out, fear of losing a “stable” income (although the salaries were abysmal), fear of ridicule… you get the gist. My absolute biggest fear, nightmare, like the thought of it causes me to freeze up mentally, is that I’ll never unlock my full potential.

I realise that I’ve been subjecting myself to the limited views of others, now I don’t think that they’re deliberately trying to stymie my growth simply because they don’t want me to grow (most times). It’s more like they’re not sure how much I will grow and are afraid of not being able to control my trajectory or that I will outgrow their environment and they’ll lose any possibility of being able to control me by promising the little things that are within their control. They don’t even know that I’m fully aware of my worth and what I deserve. After all the fight down and struggle I’ve undergone in life, I will accept no less. That’s when it hit me, AH FRAID DEM FRAID!!!!!! They’re moving in big fear, it must be a lonely place to be afraid of potential that you can’t command or control if that’s all you know leadership to be.

This brings to next questions to myself, after I realised that I’ve busted my ass to push forward but I can only go forward in an environment that is conducive and open to growth. Why would I stay somewhere that is contributing to my fear? How would I ever forgive myself if I waste my time and potential on a situation that I KNOW is designed to ensure that I stay in a little box. The very idea of my big round self in a little box is a whole issue in itself but I digress… How can I hold someone else or an external system accountable for my comfort when I CHOOSE to sit in a toxic space and wonder what if?

I’m sensible enough to survive anywhere I plant myself, I just need to remind myself everyday. I also need to remind myself that uprooting and replanting is always an option. Afterall, ma navel string na bury under numbadie. Most importantly, I need to be in an environment where I can leggo no hand, with zero concern for anyone else’s ego or incompetence. History has shown that every time I create such a space for myself, I exceed my own expectations because I apply no limitations. Long story short… me cyaan afford fu siddung and mek nobody stifle me then cry about not being able to breathe… me ah idiot?

STOP DOING YOUR BEST

The topic may be triggering to the overachievers and those who take pride in knowing that they have given the kind of effort that appeases their inner perfectionist but hear me out…

People, workplaces, situations often have the unrivaled ability to display the unmitigated gall worthy of a tear batty and 2 bad wud. Unfortunately, we have been conditioned to give our best, keep giving and then give some more. There is nothing wrong with wanting to leave a good name attached to your endeavours BUT at what point do you realise that it’s not worth it? When do you start moving in your best interest? Di good book say, yuh mustn’t cast your pearls to swine! If it’s not going to make a difference, why would you exhaust yourself and run yourself into the ground? Yuh fi meds wid sense! Yuh mooma birth yuh and raise yuh fi tun floormat?

I recently encountered a situation where someone wanted a job done (specialist functions) but didn’t want to pay for it, and just imagine, they thought it was appropriate to demand that the person does the job, indefinitely, to the best of their ability and they will be compensated “in due time” … Now tell me, dem dey can right inna dem head? Ah drunk dem drunk inna dem RH?

Anywhoooo I digress, the point I’m making is, be discerning about what you give your best effort to. Be selective about what you give any effort to, in situations where you must give some effort, gee dem wha dem willing fu pay fa! Do not let anyone hold you hostage to your self imposed standards while blatantly disregarding your worth! Some people and situations deserve the worst, wussest version of you so dem can kip from you, consider it a form of self-care!

Diary of workplace plantation politics

Before you get all up in your feelings… read the older posts… I DO NOT CARE… okurrrrrrr..

In talking to my group of good up ambitious friends, I’ve realised that all ah we ketching we ass in the people dem workplace. It’s not because we don’t have the ability or ambition to progress, nor because there are no opportunities for upward mobility. It’s just plain old systemic bad mind, driven by insecurity and impressionist smoke screens. I know this sounds like an emotional discussion but trust me it is anything but that.

CONDITIONING

There are some colleagues who can be likened to the good old house slave. The little snitch that kotch up under massa and tell them what those little black field slaves are saying about the great benevolent massa and his oppressive system. The house slave is oblivious to the fact that massa does not see them as human or equal; just a resource. However, to keep the news machine running, they might get the occasional upgrade or promotion. This is their confirmation that they are superior to the others and will keep on keeping on… (I know a particular coworker or group comes to your mind as you read this, laugh atta dem cause dammek dem cyaan prosper)

FEAR

In addition to creating chaos among the minions, those at the helm are obviously aware of the potential that lies in the workforce. You are symbolic of the one thing they fear… real knowledge, not people pretending that they know when they don’t, but proper provable knowledge! Their approach to this is to harass people until they get frustrated and give arbitrary, vague feedback to chip away at their confidence while dangling a carrot for showing “a good attitude”. Meaning: convince the minion that it’s their duty to do all the work that the bosses can’t do and somehow it’s considered being a team player. The worst part is: taking on donkey load ah work is supposed to be an audition process that may someday lead to a promotion if you behave yourself.

NA MEK NUMBADY DOWNLOAD YOU! A PROMISE IS A COMFORT TO A FOOL

STRUCTURE

In many cases, there is no structure because there is no accountability and vice versa. If there is a clear outline of how things should be then there would be less latitude for people to act the fool with your career. See where this is going? They know how things should be nuh… they’re just hoping that you don’t know, or that they’ve beaten you down so much that you won’t call them on the BS.

PUNITIVE MEASURES

One major weapon they use is the perception of distrust. The bigger heads will not think twice to besmirch your character and sully your name so that they’ll get maximum support when they attack you. Just like back in the days when the strongest, most influential, enslaved person would be singled out to be broken at the wheel. The methods changed a lickle bit but the intent is still the same!

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I’m your fairy godmother… here to save you, or at least tell you how to deal wid di ole dutty liard heathen dem!

1. Document everything, every task they assign, every feedback, every single thing
2. Confirm every task in writing, preferably via email bcc your personal email address
3. Ask them nicely to please repeat when they’re being negative or demeaning, shame alone does make them back peddle because at the end of it all… AH PUNK DEM BE, WASHED UP SCHOOL BULLIES
4. Smile, dassit! Don’t let them figure out what gets under your skin, grin like yuh win lotto every single day
5. Keep that resume updated and na mek numbady feel your navel string bury under dem workplace

and of course…

HONORABLE MENTION: Cuss them when you and them alone in a room then pretend that yuh dotish and na member nothing! I wouldn’t be Petty Betty if I didn’t advise you to DRAMA DEM BEFORE DEM DRAMA YOU!

Stop tek bait up… yuh name fish?

This week has been a revelation of sorts. It showed quite a few individuals who loosely wore the cap or associate comrade and mistook it for friendship. This is fine in itself, but, when you approach my die hard friends, you’re kinda asking for trouble. One thing I can tell you about real friends, and this was reiterated in a spate of recent events… Real friend na tek bait up. Bait up is for those who are eager to prove or have some axe to grind or chip on their shoulder.

People, one would think that this was elementary, if some random approaches you with a topic about somebody else, especially if it involves a grievance, direct them to the said offender. Na play fish, open your mouth as soon as you see food and refuse to think that there might be a hook. Closed mouth fishes live longest. Some people act as if their mouth is an independent organ, it na even attached to their body, just a motor powered orifice, though I must give credit where due, the motor strong bad. These mofos just won’t shut the hell up! The irony is, when these idiots find themselves in trouble, they won’t stop yapping, they attempt to retell their story in a manner that conflicts all that they previously said i.e: a great talker is a greater liar.

The moral to the story is: Na mek numbady use yuh, na mek numbady bring ‘genuine’ concerns about other people to you, send them to the person if they so concerned. You think they don’t know when something doesn’t concern them? They well know, they just want to see if they can pull a fast one over you. If you can’t manage yuh mouth, carry um ah court, file a gag order, beg the judge talk to your mouth.

Social Ugly

If nothing else social media has shown the nastiest side of us. There are some people who I’ve admired, heck, they started at more than the normal likability threshold and every single time their name pops up in my newsfeed it’s like ‘UGH… bitch just lost 5 like points’! As old people say, see me and come live with me ah 2 different story, as I say, see dem an fb friend dem ah two different reality.

Now tell me, why some people take great pleasure in documenting anything that makes another human look bad. It’s one thing to laugh if you’re on the spot or to relate the story but why is there a need to pull out your phones as soon as there’s a potentially scandalous/ humiliating moment and document it? Smaddy ah pay yuh? What do you have to gain by being the one to post it first? Seriously? Ask some of the perpetrators to use their/there/they’re correctly, they’ll watch you with a blank look as if to imply that you’re stupid to think there’s a difference.

I love social media, it allows me to connect with people who I won’t be able to talk to otherwise, but I love it because it acts as a x-ray machine, all the festering, pungent, negativity that lurked and settled beneath many well dressed exteriors are coming to plain view. The pettiness, the hypocrisy, those incapable of friendship or loyalty are showing their true hand. Isn’t that the purpose of the media? To inform and entertain? Well, I love knowing who I interact with, as bad as it is, I appreciate when people show their social ugly.

Lock the revolving door

I tire of people leaving my presence in a huff and hurry, throwing up the mental middle finger and swear to all divinity that they’re done with me and maybe even throw in some bad talk for good measure. Now I’m cool with your actions if they reflect your feelings, however, I have an issue with you coming back to talk to me as if all is well and we’re besties. BULLSHIT! Pure, unadulterated bovine excrement, We are not cool if that’s how you are, we are not cool if you’ve decided that we’re better off not being friends, we are not cool, if you think that it’s best to have nothing to say to me. I can live with all that. What irks me to the depth of my core, is when people do crap, then go home and think about it, be embarrassed by their own folly and expect you to act as if it never happened. NO! I will do no such thing, nor will I accept it, or any lame apology that comes with it. Even if I decide to make peace, WE ARE NOT FRIENDS, we may be cordial in social settings and maybe even politely smile but don’t come chat me up like all is well. You’ve already embodied the characteristics that I find most undesirable in a friend. If you put me down because the weight of my me-ness is too much for you, please respect the folly of your decision and do not attempt to pick up me mother child! It will prove to be an humiliating or uncomfortable situation for you and one where my nonchalance will be confirmed (for the poor souls who think otherwise). People are individuals, not instruments, you can’t put down and pick up a person as you see fit… well not this person anyway. Who dey out stop out, when you close the door, me will lock it, doh even look back on this side!

Set me up na

Very few words irk me more than the combination of those four (set me up na [or any variation thereof]). If you want to see me turn from Bruce Banner to verbal hulk or throw superhero strength bad eye. Set you up, and you na bring yuh own paper bag? Yuh ah mango? Of course, the common breed reaction would be to assume that my annoyance emanates from a place of jealousy. That could be the furthest thing from the truth, when my friends are laid, that’s less unhappy people in my in my circle, less people stressed and biting off my head for the simplest things. My issue with this is: how do you expect me to endorse you as a man for my friend, when you can’t even talk to them? Why are you coming to me? I look like I name professional setter-upper? When you come to me and tell me you like me friend, what I pose to do? Ask for a dowry? What is my place in this equation? Even more so, you don’t know my friends, can you imagine me walking up to anybody in my circle and say ‘aye, da bady over dey want brush yuh, free up the parts’ (translation: hello dear friend, that person over there would like to have sex with you, I recommend that you indulge them). Lawd Jeezas, de dance go dun, my friends doh play that. So the next time you see me with any of my good proper nice looking friends, say hi, ask for an excuse, chat them up, sweet them up if you like but when it comes to affairs of people and dem parts, leff me out!

Rise of the internet circus

As you know most of my posts are observation based. There has been an amusingly alarming spike in the use of the word ‘internet bad gyal/man/other’. What does this really mean? It means that there are more people who prefer to use words to convey annoyance or disappointment. Is this really a bad thing? I think it’s perfectly fine and a step towards world peace, put down your fists today, your profanity tomorrow (or next week)… *thinks about it*…ummm… well… you get my point, at least they aren’t fighting. This, however does not appease all, there have been numerous postings and calls for people to step to them when they see them or the age old ‘bet yuh can’t touch me’… in what archaic world does my disapproval of your chronic stupidity equate to us coming to blows? This reminds me of the school yard movies where the smart kid calls out the knucklehead for being intellectually deficient and the nerd’s only response is ‘what you say about my mama’. Chill internet clowns, ain’t nobody tryna fight ya (grins proudly at my successful translation to their language). You’re out of your league if you’re literally at a loss for words beyond, ‘step to me when you see me’. You may not realise it but mankind is moving away from the cave and the clubs are being replaced by grey matter. Not everybody who doesn’t like you wants to fight you, sometimes, they just want you to know your cognitive limitations and be guided accordingly. Stay in your damn simple lane and stop looking for fight buddies or better yet, beat them at their own game, use real words, idioms and sentiments, and pummel them mercilessly! Thank me later.

Calm yuh cat

The topic of the post is self explanatory. Some of you women are in love or engaged every Monday morning, how aryu excited so? Unfortunately men get the bad name for their insatiable thirst and all that jazz but some ladies put them to shame. Now I’m cool with you being a nympho but doh be laying up with every man that pass, then talking about your neighbour’s third failed relationship… you get the point right? If yuh neighbour porkey on fire, wet yours first, thou shall not be a dutty foot and chat people etc. If you find yourself engaged in any of these practices…

10) Buying man: yuh tekking yuh good new things and give man, in exchange for his old things

9) Neglecting yuh pickney dem: yuh living up with man and your children can’t tell when last they see you

8) Selling yourself short: if the man even offer you a ginger ale, yuh turning him down because you eager to show that ‘you’re not like the rest’ so yuh turning down even the things you want

7) Marrying and engaging yourself: your facebook history has a serious of name changes, based on every man who rock yuh insides, then to top it off, yuh buy a chiney stone ring and have it on yuh ring finger

6) Playing mummy: yuh buying the world for the man child but you child in the same house enjoying a lower living standard… yuh drunk?

5) Confusing good sex for love, yea ah know sex does be out of this world, but a ne’er does every good dick you take, a great husband make

4) Breed for status: some women love to be associated with the man, so as soon as they meet a man, they breed, when yuh hear the shout, more last name in dey house than a hispanic phone book

3) Have everybody man (without any possible benefit) the reality is, some women are cool with sharing a man but if you have half of everybody man, and can’t pay yuh light bill… ummmm

2) Running every man yuh cross: now if yuh running down man, catch one or two and can’t hold one, then Houston, you have a problem

1) Playing man fool: If yuh have a man tekkin advantage, he treating yuh bad, he nyammin yuh out, he cussing yuh mudda, ride yuh sister, kicking yuh dog and yuh cussin with a different woman every 2 seconds. then he say sorry and yuh lay up with him same night

Then you need an intervention

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Ladies if you can identify with any of the above, then the problem is that yuh wife need a tranquilizer. Yuh thinking with yuh front. It can happen to women too! Please please, CALM YUH PORKEY! You come first, your children come first, the need for carnal satisfaction should not dominate your existence. We all have one friend who stupid like ass every time they find a new man.

**The views expressed on this post…. ah what the hell if the cap fit you, yuh na go ketch head cold**